When I was younger, having just started learning to play the piano and beginning to write my own songs, I loved recording. I used to take my karaoke machine with me to the piano so I could record layers and layers of vocals on top of each other, making my songs just like the ones I heard on my favourite recordings. The karaoke machine worked out well because it had TWO cassette slots in it, which made recording easy — but made the results super fuzzy.
I remember dreaming of the day when I would be a star, with people singing my words as I played my songs to them — me up on a stage in front of a piano, very much like Tori Amos (I’m sure I looked exactly like Tori in my head because she was my ultimate idol when I started playing). I never really thought about what all goes into being a rock star: the touring, the sleepless nights, the time away from family and home, the paparazzi, the expectations to always create something better than what you last created. It just wasn’t something that came into my head. I just wanted to be famous.
The years went by and I entered a music academy, and then university as a music major. It was an amazing experience — all of these people who loved music just as much as I did! When I got the opportunity to record, I was over the moon with excitement. It was all just so surreal. Of course, it wasn’t anything like what professional musicians go through with big recording studios, where they spend thousands and thousands of dollars on a recording, but it was still in a professional studio with professional equipment. It was awesome.
I remember listening to that first recording. It was just so cool to hear all of my musician friends coming together, playing the music I had written out to play, seeing pages of my music being read as they played into the microphones. These days, when I listen to it, I cringe at how young and immature I sound. I still really love the songs and the recording, but I’m so thankful that I’ve grown as a musician since then.
I’ve also grown in my expectations. Whereas my expectations were high as a budding musician, I feel that I’ve entered the phase of “reality” when it comes to where I am musically. I’ve grown up. My idols may still remain the same — Kate Bush and Tori Amos, with some new additions like Sarah Slean, Charlotte Martin, Hawksley Workman, and Terami Hirsch — but my expectations have completely changed. Yes, fame is something that could be wonderful and I’ve seen so many musicians handle it so well. Sarah Slean, for example, is an amazing musician who I am constantly looking up to — she’s done so well for herself and I’m happy to know that I was listening to her when her cassette tape for Universe was released.
But for me? I’m not really hovering on the fence anymore.
My goal for my music is to create. That is, to create songs that touch peoples’ hearts or perhaps their funny bones. I feel like I took myself so seriously as a musician back when I started out and even more so when I came back “on the scene” in 2008. But now, I just want to make music. I want to challenge myself. I want to write song that are introspective, deep and emotional, but also funny, silly, or weird. I love putting words together and making sounds happen while recording. And most of all, I love sharing these songs with my listeners. I feel like that’s something I haven’t done enough of in my years as a musician.
While I may have dreamed of fame and fortune as a young musician, I now know that that’s far from my mind. I love my family, my home, and my country. I love the people who have stuck with me throughout these years of songwriting, and the people who are just new listeners. I find myself wanting to be challenged, wanting to be silly and fun, and wanting to involve my listeners more with the songwriting process. I’m able to do this through my bookish songs, which is a great deal of fun.
I can only hope that as the years continue to go by, I still create music — even if it’s just for me and the birds.
